Make Some Noise For The Ring Girl

Look mom, I shaved.

Ah, the lovely ring girl, whose purpose is to... What the hell is her purpose? Outside of serving as a sexy round reminder, there is not much to being a ring girl. You pretty much just need to hold your stomach in, arch your back, push your chest out, smile, look cute, raise your arms high, and try not to bust your ass in six inch pumps climbing between the ropes. How easy is that? Does this even qualify as a job? I mean really, no one had trouble keeping track of what round a match was in before ring girls came along. It seems to me that for many men the sight of exposed cheeks and a pair of silicone breast mounted on high heel shoes is a visual distraction, likely to prevent a man's eyes from focusing on anything above a woman's nipple line, thereby defeating half the ring girl's proposed purpose. As far as the other purpose of attracting spectators to the boxing/martial arts world goes, I can't ever recall refusing to attend a fight, because the ring girl wasn't going to be in attendance, or deciding to go because she was.

Another thought I have (besides the ring girl's questionable purpose) is where do interested women go to apply and interview for the exciting and rewarding job of a transit-numerologist adult entertainment hostess? I have never seen job offerings advertised in the paper by employers seeking heel-toe canvas walkers with big breast able to scale high ropes, count to 12, smile and play to large crowds of blood-thirsty, sex-starved, middle-age men (with pole-dancing experience being a plus.) How much do ring girls get paid, is it by the hour or round? Do you have to provide your own thong? Is there room for growth and promotion? Are there long hours involved with this job, and what about benefits? How long before you can join the union? There must be some sort of established industry standards, at least about looks, because most of the ring girls I see seem to be fairly attractive and in-shape. But singling out people with a certain look seems a bit discriminatory if you ask me, I don't think an unattractive person would have any difficulty holding up a round card. Besides, who is to say what's attractive, and what isn't. I know a lot of guys and gals, who like a plus-size-bomb-shell, and wouldn't look twice at a salad nibbling, water drinking, cracker munching, diuretic taking, tofu, yogurt eating, over-concerned about, exercise and weight control model. The big girl or guy is the cat's meow for some folks. In fact, plus-size modeling is a booming business (seriously), Queen Latifah is a thickly curved soul-sister with an attitude to match getting paid well from front cover print, commercials, movies and music. Which brings me to another question, how come there are no ring boys? I figure if the men's bouts feature ring girls, it's only fair that the women's bouts feature ring boys. Layla Ali commands enough respect in the boxing world that she could demand a dozen ring boys wearing just some man-panties be present at all her fights. I wonder if Title IX covers this type of sex discrimination?

In the end, I guess the answer to why professional fight venues have the number toting ring girls is simple. Professional sports in general are controlled predominately by men, which includes the management, promotion, and staging of most sporting events. Likewise, the majority of spectators who attend sporting events are men. Two things that men love most are sex and sports. So why not have some of both? As the saying goes, "what the customer wants, is what the customer needs and gets." Both it is then.

By the way, does anybody know what round this is?

Boxing's Tragic First

This is not one of my feel good post, so do not expect any witty jokes. In Denver Colorado, Becky Zerlentes became the first woman to die in a sanctioned amateur boxing match at the age of 34, due to blunt-force trauma to the head according to a medical examiner in Denver. She was three rounds into a Golden Gloves match, when she took a right cross to the side of her head (temple region), lost consciousness, and later died. Ironically, Zerlentes had told her coach (Jeanne DePriest) previous to the bout that it would be her last boxing match, how tragically true. Apparently, she was ready to hang-up her gloves to pursue interests in other sports.

With great rewards comes great risks, the price of competition can be high, and in fact devastating. Zerlentes paid the ultimate price with her life, her opponent Heather Schmitz, age 32, will pay by having to live with the memory of the tragedy.

No fowl play or previous known medical conditions involved here, just an unfortunate accident of time and circumstance. Each fighter wore protective headgear covering their foreheads and both sides of their face, along with mouth pieces, and protective body padding. Each contestant was given a physical exam prior to the bout, and both athletes were cleared to fight. There were also three ring-side physicians present at the time of the bout. Denver police spokeswoman Teresa Garcia said, "a preliminary investigation reported the cause of death as subdural hematoma" (internal bleeding caused by a hard blow.) Schmitz reportedly told television reporters that, "she felt horrible and she didn't want to hurt her."

I just have one thought:
No, I did not know Becky Zerlentes or Heather Schmitz, but I do know that we are all bonded by the will to see and experience what our best can be, and to me that is well worth taking risks for. So on that note, rest in peace Becky Zerlentes.

He doesn't mean it

Cookie Monster - My Hero & Mentor

The Cookie Monster, the long time children's champion of junk food, is swearing off cookies, say it ain't so. Cookie Monster, who put you up to this treacherous deed? What happened to "C is for cookie", and why is it being replaced with "a cookie is a sometimes food?" If that means sometime during the course of each and everyday, I agree. There is no way in the world a plate of Brussels sprouts compares to a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie from Mrs. Fields.

It seems that the television producers of my beloved Sesame Street along with health experts, and politicians have banned together to launch a "Healthy Habits For Life" campaign, and pulled the poor Cookie Monster into their scandalous plot. Apparently there is an issue over the rising rate of childhood obesity, and the anti-junk-food establishment doesn't think the Cookie Monster is setting a good example for the kiddies. What are they talking about? I built this finely tuned machine (I call my body) on an abundant steady supply of junk food (Mc Donalds' fries, hamburgers, and shakes, Hotess cupcakes, and pies, Charm Pops, ice cream, and cookies.)

Don't these wackos know that this sudden change in the nation's dietary plan could single handedly ruin the very fiber of our society, not to mention put me out of work. I mean really, the very nature of my job relies on grooming children for obesity, so that they can grow-up to be good health club patrons as adults. How am I suppose to feed myself and pay my bills, if everyone goes around taking good care of themselves? What will happen to the health care industry? Don't they realize how serious the consequences could be?

Let me pause here for a second to stuff another gummy bear in my mouth. Ummmmmm, that's better, I was starting to lose my sugar high. Now, where was I? I blame this scandal on the "strictly vegan freaks" who won't so much as eat an egg, because it comes out of a chicken's butt. Vegans have decided to make eating a state of unhappy affairs, and they are now trying to bring us along for the ride. Hell no, I won't go. If anyone of you healthy for life habits advocates comes near my cookie jar, I will fill you full of jelly beans up to your eyeballs, and dump you into Willie Wonker's chocolate river." Now back away, before somebody gets hurt.

First thing Monday morning I plan to file for an injunction to block the airing of any and all campaigns that suggests that cookies are anything but good for you. In a show of union, all readers of this post should organize a rally outside the offices of your local public broadcast station. Who's in?

What am I suppose to do again?

One little, two little, three little Indians
four little, five little, six little Indians
seven little, eight little, nine little Indians
ten little Indian boys/girls

Alright, boys and girls gather around Uncle Ho. We are going to have us a good old fashion school yard fight. There will be medals for the winners, and a finger pointing towards the exit for the losers. You kids need to learn that we live in an opportunistic world, and second just doesn't cut it. In other words, you came in last first.

Now strap on your bonnets, and tighten up your girdles. When that bell rings, you come out kicking, punching and screaming like you have just been shot out of your mamma's birth canal. Now if any of you youngsters gets into trouble, I'm going to give you an eight count to get yourself together. Which basically means that you need to suck it up, because you're getting an ass whooping out there. Guard your grill at all times, and don't get caught bobbing and weaving, when you should have been ducking and rolling. If you get knocked out, crawl your way to the edge of the ring. We have a lot of people here, and we don't have time to waste on you sprawled out in the middle of the ring for ten minutes, bleed on your own time. After your done beating the crap out of each other, remember to shake hands, it's important to show good sportsmanship. Also take note that steroid use is not permitted in this tournament, cheating is for professional athletes only. As I look around, I see some of you smaller kids are going to have your hands full with the bigger kids. My advice to you is to kick them in the nuts. If there are no questions, let's get ready to rumble.

Rules of Competition:
1. Show Up
2. Pay Up
3. Line Up
4. Shut Up!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

You're the greatest, don't let anyone tell you different. Sketched in my memory are the countless whippings and hours of punishment you gave me for being hard-headed, disobedient, and just generally stupid (I have a problem with authority.) But what did you expect, you always said that I did everything "boy." Well at least you didn't have to worry about me getting pregnant. Instead, you were left with me setting trash cans on fire (I had a fascination with fire when I was 4), sneaking out late at night, and driving the car when I was 12 (who needs a learners permit, a monkey could do this), skipping school (two days does not make for a proper weekend), broken this and that (windows, lamps, cars, my bones, etc), and lets not forget the time I slashed the neighbor's car tires and threw crab-apples at their windows (that one is a classic.) Damn, I was a bad child, it's a wonder my mother didn't try to drown me at birth, but I'm sure she checked to see if 666 was tattooed to the back of my head.

Thanks for always sticking by me through all the trials and tribulations I put you through, patiently waiting for me to mature and come into my own (and I know you're still waiting, so I hope you're not holding your breath.) Nanky (my grandmother) always said, "God looks out for babies and fools" that's why the good Lord paired us together. You're my angel on earth.

I'm a bad boy, but my mommy still loves me.

The Joy Which Is XBOX

XBOX HALO 2

There is nothing better than throwing away precious hours of my life, by allowing my intellect to take refuge in the blissfully mindless task of playing video games on my XBOX. Few things compare to the joy of parking myself in front of the television screen with controller in hand preparing to due battle with aliens that threaten to wipe out the existence of all mankind. Thanks to me and my highly evolved combat skills, Earth is a better place to live. You can't imagine how many times I've had to save middle class suburbia from extinction. But it is probably best I didn't tell you, the truth would only scare you. For instance, last Friday we came pretty damn close from not seeing Saturday. Would that have been a b*tch to work all week, just to have your weekend go flat-line? But not to worry, I opened up a six-pack of whoop-ass, and laid into their mutant behinds quite nicely. It wasn't easy though, those over-sized lizards came by the billions. You would think that with all their technology, they would have developed some means of birth control. Oh well, they're 10 million short now, I don't expect another attack until June. When they do come back, I will be ready for them, and armed with the latest in rapid-fire wireless controllers. I see no reason why I should not be able to preserve the sanctity of the free-world from the comfort of my bed. This way I'll be able to enjoy sex and video games at the same time.

Strong Mind & The Body Will Follow

"To fight with people face to face over advantages is the hardest thing in the world to do." Zhang Yu


It's a given that every fighter who steps into the ring wants to win, but that alone will not make you a successful competitor. Assuming that you have the right stuff (speed, agility, balance, coordination, power, flexibility and endurance), the single most determining factor to success in the ring is the will-to-win. There is no weapon more lethal than the will, it is the force that numbs you to physical punishment and allows you to focus to the point of insanity. When I step into the ring, I feel like no one can beat me. Defeat is a state of mind which I am not willing to realize. Even if I fall short of my goals, it is but a temporary state that encourages me to train harder to remove whatever obstacles that are in my way. Failure is what your mind acknowledges. Knock me down 9 times and I'll get up 10 times.

In order to tap into this tremendous power of self-determination, you must want to realize your dreams and ambitions with hunger and passion. Only this type of attitude will allow you to push yourself to the limit and endure long grueling workouts with an effort well beyond the ordinary. When you are tired to the point of exhaustion but you still find a way to keep going, this is the power of will. Determination wields the actions of the body. If one trains in this matter, fear and doubt should never enter your mind. You will be secure in the knowledge that you can do whatever is necessary to succeed.

Life in general has taught me that people are basically creatures of habit. What you habitually think of yourself, largely determines what you will become. This is why you will never hear me say, "I was just happy to be afforded the opportunity to compete." If your aim is so low that you were satisfied with just showing up, you need not show at all. Effort short of your best always leads to the short end of the stick, and you are already defeated even before the the first bell rings. A second problem that stifles victory, is the anticipation of suffering, which is worse than the actual affliction itself. Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy. I have been fighting a long time, and I have never come across an opponent whose defenses were impenetrable, and their offense was unstoppable. If you fight not to lose, your mind will be so preoccupied by what your opponent can do, that you lose sight of what you can do. You become a puppet on a string allowing your advisory to control your actions. So what if you get hit (train hard, and you'll bleed less), shake it off and return the favor ten fold. Put your opponent on notice that you can take it, and dish it back with interest. The lessons of pain and suffering are but tools that teach us a better course of action that leads to success, if not now, than in the future.

Eat Your Wheaties

Your Mind Can Make You
Train
Your Body Can Create
Power
But Only Your
Heart
Can Make You A
Champion

5 Tips For Conquering the Fear of Defeat

1. Spar at least once a week. Choose a variety of partners with various fighting styles, heights, weight, power, speed and agility. Make mental notes or even write down what works best against what type of opponent (i.e. right handed boxers should keep their lead left foot to the outside of a left handed fighter's lead right foot to set their opponent up for a right cross and in turn avoid their opponent's left cross). The more familiar you are with a variety of types of fighters the more comfortable you will be with handling whatever you may encounter inside the ring.
2. Play out various fight scenarios that are likely to occur during a bout and formulate a plan of attack and defense for each exchange. Mitt work, one-step sparring, and shadow boxing are excellent drills to develop speed, timing, agility, and automatic defensive and offensive response .
3. Increase your threshold for pain by subjecting your body to drills that apply a moderate amount of discomfort to areas of your body that are likely to receive punishment during a real match. This is a progressive technique that should begin with only mild levels of pain that slowly increases over weeks with more moderate to intermediate amounts of force being applied. Force that leaves you in long-term pain is too harsh. An example drill would be doing fisted push-ups to toughen the skin on and around the knuckles as well as to increase the calcium deposits surrounding these bones to strengthen them against breaking during punching.
4. Train for at least double the amount of rounds you will need for the fight. If the battle becomes a war you will have the endurance and engery needed to go the distance.
5. Focus your eyes around the chest of your opponent. It will give you the broadest perspective to see everything that he is doing. Your main focus will keep an eye on his hips and core which will tell you what direction he wants to move in. Your upper peripheral vision checks his hands, and your lower peripheral vision will keep tabs on his feet, letting you know if your opponent is setting up for a kick or punch, or is off-balance and primed for a counter-attack.
   
   
   
   

Facing Death

I am concerned about many things, death and loss are not among them. Instead, my life is a forward journey; I know not the beginning, I see not the end. Yet I face my inevitable conclusion with eyes wide open. Death shall not take me by surprise, nor will I crumble and weep in its wake because I have accepted my fate, and liberated myself from the burdens of dying. I will embrace the moment with calm dignity and composure. But even in the last fleeting seconds of my existence, I will still find course to smile and live, and let things happen as they will. It is foolish to think that you can steer the ways of nature. Fighting against heaven and earth only makes a mockery of your life and erases any deeds well done. It is best to die with certainty, removed from anger, regret, self-pity, and fear. Understand that life and death are not matters of choice for man to decide. You cannot lay claim to which you did not create. The spirit of life existed long before the first persons walked the face of the earth, and we are all but an intricate part of the wholeness of life.

A wise man lives as though he were dead, and therefore he finds fulfillment in everything that he does. Illness, weapons, and wild beasts cannot harm him, because he is so full of life that death has no room to enter. A man preoccupied with death is already dead even before he is buried. The same can be said of execution in combat. "Even if a warrior's head were to be suddenly cut off, he should still be able to perform one more action with certainty. If one becomes like a revengeful ghost and shows great determination, he should not die."