Ask Brett, He Knows

Today, I woke up in a most generous mood, anxious to enlighten and spread my wealth of knowledge. So it should not take me too long to write this post, because my generosity is not free (Nike shoes and clothes don't come cheap), and the only thing I know for sure is my name. None the less, I will try to the best of my ability to answer some of the most frequently asked question about health and fitness. So lets dim the lights, and put our hands together, it's time for another episode of "Ask The Trainer."

1. Q: I have multiple health problems which include high blood pressure, diabetes, an over-active thyroid, a heart murmur, arthritis, and frequent kidney stones. What should I do to relieve the symptoms? A: You will need to re-enter the gene pool, die and come back. Only next time try to be a little more discerning about choosing your parents.
2. Q: My butt is so flat. What can I do to curve my posterior? A: Learn to live with a flat ass. But if the baggy pockets of space in the back of your jeans bothers you too much, try sticking a throw-pillow back there.
3. Q: How much water should I drink? A: Sixty percent of the body's composition is water, so I would say a lot. You do the math.
4. Q: Should I hire a trainer to help me reach my goals? A: Of course you should, did you think I was joking in my opening statement about the price of Nike shoes and clothes being so expensive?
5. Q: Brett can I take one of your boxing classes, if I have never boxed before? A: No, I do not have time to field questions that need answering from rookies.
6. Q: Should I eat before I exercise? A: That's like asking me, "can you drive your car without gas?" Eat one to two hours before you start strenuous exercise to give your body time to digest the meal. Partake of a heavy meal any closer to exercising, and the contents of your stomach may not remain a secret for long.
7. Q: What cardio exercise is the best? A: The one that gets you off your lazy ass.
8. Q: How do I lose fat? A: Put your fork down, close your mouth, and slowly back away from the buffet table. Or you might just try eating every other day.
9. Q: Should I take supplements? A: What? You don't like real food? Who the hell drinks two shakes for breakfast and lunch and eats a sensible dinner of lettuce and carrots?
10. Q: How do I lift and firm my bust line? A: Try standing on your head and let gravity pull your breast back the other way.
11. Q: Where do you get your music for class? A: What difference does it make? Judging by the way you move in class, you can't hear the beat anyway.
12. Q: How do I firm my stomach? A: Suck your stomach in and hold your breath.
13. Q: How do I increase my body mass? A: Guys cut your testicles off and become a eunuch. Women try having a few kids.
14. Q: It hurts when I raise my arms above my head, what should I do. A: Don't raise your arms above your head, just point to what you want on the top shelf.
15. Q: What can I do about celluloid dimples? A: Try filling in those dimpled areas with putty, and then paint over it with a color that matches your skin tone.

I'm sorry, we're all out of time. Tune in next week, when I answer the do's and don'ts of gym fashion. Until then, smile it makes people wonder what you're thinking about.