"Ask The Trainer: Part II" Common Fashion Mistakes In The Gym

They say, "discretion is the better part of valor." Do exercise good judgment when deciding what to wear to the gym. Now before I continue, let me say that I understand that fashion is a matter of personal choice, and everyone has the right to express themselves as they see fit. But quite frankly some choices just do not make sense to me. Just because some popular clothing item looks good being adorned by a mannequin in a store front window, does not mean it is going to look good on you or me.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive, ourselves that is."

Whoever said, "clothes make the man", clearly did not live during the age of spandex. It seems the fashion police have been so concerned with manufacturers and consumers of fur clothing that they let the spandex abuse crisis slip under the radar. I blame spandex for my chronic case of T.M.I. (Too Much Information), which is what I get every time I have to bear witness to a guy walking around the gym in tight spandex shorts with a clearly formed impression of his tally-whacker and nut-sack highlighted like an outlined chalk figure at a murder scene. Till this day, every night I have this recurring nightmare of middle-aged men chasing me along the beach in Speedos with Buddha-Like stomachs that prevent them from viewing their own feet yelling, "Rub my belly!" The only thing that could be worse is dreaming of myself as a child running around the Neverland Ranch with Michael Jackson in Speedos gripping his crotch and chasing me yelling, "Touch it all!"

Feet don't fail me now.

Women are culprits too, committing heinous acts of spandex abuse as well. Now, I have to admit that I do enjoy seeing the cling of spandex around the body of a woman with shapely curves in all the right places, which I guess is a matter of opinion. But I am also of the school of thought that believes that wherever your curves lie there should be enough material to cover them. There are women who try to get into elastic outfits that did not fit three years ago when they were ten pounds lighter and two sizes smaller. Stop trying to delude yourself into thinking that you are the same size you were in high school (bull-sh*t.) Dress for your size, not the size you want to be. You might find this hard to believe, but the stretch of an elastic waist band does have its limits. Tease me with a little flesh, and save some for the imagination. Trust me women, seepage of ass and tits, rolls of fat bubbling from under tops and bottoms, and textile jammed in the crevices of your body is not sexy at all. The only things you will attract with this look are maladjusted idiots, perverts, and yeast infections.

Give your little sister back her clothes.

To avoid social embarrassment, ridicule, finger pointing, and disgusted looks, here is a list of ten gym fashion faux pas.

1. If you decide to go commando (under-wear free) underneath your bottoms, make sure there are no peek-a-boo gaps that will allow everyone to see your secret garden. Once or twice I suffered the fate of Oedipus as the retinas of my eyes were seared by the sight of the one-eyed snake frolicking in the grass. It was far more tragic than being turned into stone by Medusa. Thanks to eye surgery and five years of therapy I have been able to slowly assimilate back into a normal life style.
2. If you're a full-figured woman or a husky man stay away from horizontal stripes across your body. It gives the visual perception of making you look bigger in addition to looking like a prison escapee. Or if the lines are multi-colored, you windup looking like a roll of fruit flavored Life Savers Candy.
3. If you have to get a running start and jump into a pair of shorts or pants to get them on, they are too small for you. You probably have not fit those bottoms since the third grade. Likewise, if putting on your top feels like a wrestling match, it is too small for you.
4. Yes, there is a casual atmosphere at the gym, but not so casual that you can start wearing your under-wear as outer-wear. Perhaps, people who spend a lot of money on their under-wear might do this, so that attention to their bloomers is not limited to themselves. Or maybe, there is nothing more comfortable than running on the treadmill in a thong or brief.
5. Unless you are doing karaoke night at the local pub singing, "I Wear My Sun Glasses At Night" wearing shades inside the gym makes you look either blind or stupid. The eighties are gone, get over it.
6. Women tying your sweat shirt or jacket around your waist only serves to draw more attention to your ass. It is like trying to throw a napkin over an elephant to disguise the fact that it is there. It only makes sense that if you add layers to an area that is already pronounced, it is just going to appear even bigger.
7. Let us all wear gender appropriate clothing. Guys wearing crushed velvet scooped neck tank-tops is a no-no. Only Prince can pull off some fashion discord like that. So unless you start singing and become famous, stay out of the Miss Teen section at Bloomingdales. Women, do not try to play the role of the stud. There is nothing less attractive than to see a woman wearing over-sized men's clothing draped all over her body. The end of the sleeves on the shirt are five inches past the tip of her longest finger, and the inseam on the crotch is just twelve inches from the ground, so that she looks like M.C. Hammer.
8. Unless you're part of a construction crew on stand-by, the cut-off flannel shirt, jeans and boots are not quite what you want to wear to a spin class. Oddly enough, a pair of Timberland boots will not lock into the foot pedals of a spin bike. Which is sort of a discrimination against the blue collar worker by the fitness industry. Somebody needs to call the union.
9. If you work out five days a week in the same outfit, but only wash it once a week, then you are both stinky and unfashionable. You might want to think about adjusting your wash-to-wear-ratio. But if the weave at the armpit of a t-shirt is embedded with the color of golden-brown bio-hazardous sweat to the point that the bleach you use ignores and refuses to clean it, then it is definitely time for a change of wardrobe.
10. Unless you're wearing leg warmers with the anticipation that Hollywood producers will make Flash Dance II, let us leave that fashion statement in the past along with parachute pants with asymmetrical zippers, Member's Only Jackets, coats from Sears with the fake fur around the hood and pencil holders on the sleeve, mood rings, and leisure suits.

One more note before I end this post. Just in case I go senile in my older age and I am unable to make this plea, if anyone out there ever sees me walking around wearing a tank-top, suspenders, plaid Bermuda shorts hiked up to my chest, long dress socks to my knees, and sandals while I am either cutting the lawn or barbecuing with a apron on that says, "Kiss the chef", do be kind and shoot me.